Spring Cleaning

There was that time
when I put away
all the sharp objects
in my room
but still cut myself
on your silence.

Then that time
when it seemed the most
practical thing in the world-
a necessity, even,
to step in front of a bus

or that time when I
attempted to disappear-
literally-invisibility
by starvation- yes, it is
exactly as ridiculous
as it sounds-
revealing in me
a rather fundamental misunderstanding
of how the world works--

-so when you half recall
a phrase I used
fifteen years ago
it's not surprising-
perhaps- that I spend
the next three days
pruning dead flowers,
emptying the cupboards
and dusting every surface
within my reach-
this familiar device-
the old pretense-
erase, wipe clean.